Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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