I faked an abortion last night.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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