chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
