wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
