sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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