We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
