Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
