I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
