I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The uberlube is also flammable
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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