Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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