I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Your dad touched me again.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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