i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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