Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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