I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
