My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize