I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
