She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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