just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
This baby is an asshole
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
