Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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