I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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