and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
