life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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