You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
