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You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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