I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
