well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
