from now on my penis is your penis
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
