At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
