seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
