she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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