dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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