its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
