Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
