I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
What drink are we having for lunch?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
