I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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