I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
