If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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