I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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