Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
