apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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