Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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