I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
