Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
