well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have tasted many bathrooms
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
