So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
