Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize