My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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