i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
