i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Your cock deserves a montage
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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