I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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