i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
