But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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