the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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