Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize