Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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