I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
