I hate your face
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
