Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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