so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
