so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
